Beloved family and friends,
In the not-so-distant past, I stood outside the terminal of a busy foreign airport, expecting to meet a man who would take my traveling companions and me to our hostel. He was nowhere to be seen, so we put our luggage in a pile and waited. And waited. And waited. Eventually, our bags became stools as the 18+ hours of travel took their toll. A mob of taxis and busses honked their way through the lines. People blurred in and out. Security officers paraded around with AK-47s and menacing glares. Still we waited. Turkish blared simultaneously from the PA system, the stationary vehicle patrol, and the crowd in an intimidating cacophony of loud. We did our best to tune out the roar, and I suppose it was moderately effective...until the parading men pointed their guns our way. They yelled at us in Turkish. And all we could do was stare dumbly back. Some sympathetic soul took pity and translated. The gun guys wanted to know why were lying about like a bunch of vagrants. When our plight was communicated, they seemed to be less displeased, but the glares never ceased. We waited there, helpless and exhausted, for more than 6 hours. In the end, I remember sitting down on my bag, putting my head in my hands, and telling God that I couldn’t take it anymore. I was entirely undone. Then, I looked up and, through the tears, saw an old, silver van pull up to the curb. The wait was finally over. Our knight had arrived.
In 2010, that beleaguered, head-in-the-hands feeling was a common occurrence for me. The more I reminisced about the year, the more I realized many of you -my family, friends, and colleagues- endured lots of hard trials, too. And if this year wasn’t your year, a past year was. I recently read about the afflicted life of David Brainerd. It was encouraging to relate to his struggle and watch him seek God. Countless men and women before me took heart from this godly man’s life. And that same model is seen in the Psalms and all over Christendom. Our hardships are to be sung so others can hear and praise God. So, unconventional as this topic may be for a Christmas letter, I pray you will be blessed –not because I am a great person, but because I am sustained by a great God.
The hard seasons were interspersed throughout the year, but this fall was the worst. And, sadly, it was also the most despairing moment of my walk with Jesus. Ever. For the sake of time and significance, I’ll skip the details. Essentially, I spent the first three months of the school year exhausted and overwhelmed. In times like that you are easier prey to everything –even those matters with which you are normally able to cope. So on top of the circumstances that started it all, I was beginning to feel plagued by singleness and loneliness and ineptitude as a teacher and failure as a Christian. In the past, I’d learned to combat those things with truth, namely Christ’s work on the Cross. But I was so weary I didn’t even want to try. I felt abandoned by God, and I let myself consider it was true. I knew all the churchy answers, but I'd convinced myself they didn’t work for me anymore. I wanted to quit the whole Christian thing. I was tired of trying to be obedient. I was even looking to be willfully disobedient. Eventually, I realized I was frustrated because God wasn’t changing my circumstances when I thought he should. (Sounds like a 25-year-old fit, huh?) I discovered that when I’m pressed, I rely first on my own strength, my own system. But this time it failed me. Not only that, it wore me out. I fell flat on my face, and there was no grabbing bootstraps to get back up. If God wasn’t going to help, I was finished. But, help he did. It wasn’t a flashy, blazing swords kind of help. It wasn’t even a beat-up van kind of help. There was no instant change. But God continued to quietly speak truth into my life and never let me go –even when I wanted him to. It was the Holy Spirit in action. I couldn’t make myself choose a godless life. Literally. God graciously wouldn’t let me escape the fact that as terrible as everything seemed, there was hope nowhere else. I’d seen God’s faithfulness too many times to be able to logically conclude he’d actually abandoned me. To ultimately doubt his love would’ve made me the epitome of a fool. We were created for dependence. I knew that, but I think I had to fall harder than I ever had –in ways I never had– to learn what it really meant for God to be my only hope. It’s funny how Christian clichés can seem trite until the Teacher of life schools our ignorance to regard them as precious.
So wherever you are today, in sunshine or sorrow, I pray God will “grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith—that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.” [Ephesians 3:14-19]
To be truly saved from anything, we must first give up on fixing the problem ourselves. Whether it’s the eternal problem of sin, or the immediate problems of life –we need to rest entirely on the power of God and the sufficiency of Jesus Christ. For those who fully rely, there is always a Knight who pulls to the curb, even if change doesn’t come right away.
May 2011 find you resting in the joy of who Jesus is!
Cristi
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the loved of 2010
—aunthood: Jack, Hallee, & Char-Char
—The Hidden Smile of God, by Piper
—Hymns remade by Page CXVI
—Dr. Betts and my Old Testament classes
—cooking with children
—Psalm 77; Isaiah 54-55; Hosea 2:14-15, 6:1-3
—Artisan Bread in 5 Minutes a Day, by Hertzberg/Francois
—traveling: Belize, Mexico, & Cali
—The Search for God and Guinness, by Mansfield
—2nd half marathon in the Rockies
—A Gospel Primer for Christians, by Vincent
—Justification & Regeneration, by Leiter
—starting an FCA chapter at Cheylin
—The Percy Jackson Series, by Riordan
—The Penderwicks on Gardam Street, by Birdsall
—www.twentytwowords.com
—writing a devotion published in Women at Southern: A Walk Through Psalms
—Creators, by Johnson
the anticipated of 2011
—aunthood: Jack, Hallee, and Char-Char
—women’s book study on Crazy Love, by Chan
—investing more in people instead of projects
—January/summer seminary classes
—possibly finishing my M.A. this year???
—Broken Down House, by Tripp
—mastering Artisan Bread in 5 Minutes a Day
—traveling: North Carolina & ???
—Zumba!!!
—Cheylin: FCA, FFA trip, teaching ESL class to faculty
—watching God’s truth take root in hearts
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