Saturday, September 20, 2008
I studied much of Matthew this week. The Spirit revealed a plank, or at least some bad glasses. The thought first hit me as I looked at the Beatitudes: I pay lip service to the offense of self-sufficiency, but I value it a great deal. I know independence is one of my besetting sins. I also know I need Jesus to wrestle the lion, but I generally start off trying to do it myself. While I don’t want to be independent of Christ, I continually choose to be. “What I hate, that I do.” And while I want to value others’ need for Christ, I scorn it. “What I will to do, that I do not practice.”
The last year has been a continuous pattern of small “joy breaths” above the surface before I go back to drowning. Or nearly drowning. Or perceiving myself as drowning. Or fighting the perception of drowning. This past week was no pattern-breaker. Mom brought to my attention that this long-term striving might be a divine tool to work compassion and mercy in my soul. Never before has my wilderness seasons affected every area of my life. This time I can truly say I am confident in Christ alone. I am needy in all things. God loves the broken, the contrite, the meek, the poor in spirit, the mourning. Good thing. Lately, Cristi Antholz has been synonymous with all five. Now, how do I take my neediness and my gratitude of God’s love for me in that neediness, and love others with that knowledge?
Your wilderness is working truth, Lord. Truth to my mind. May Your wilderness move it deeper to conform my heart to the merciful, compassionate love of Christ.
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