Saturday, September 20, 2008
I studied much of Matthew this week. The Spirit revealed a plank, or at least some bad glasses. The thought first hit me as I looked at the Beatitudes: I pay lip service to the offense of self-sufficiency, but I value it a great deal. I know independence is one of my besetting sins. I also know I need Jesus to wrestle the lion, but I generally start off trying to do it myself. While I don’t want to be independent of Christ, I continually choose to be. “What I hate, that I do.” And while I want to value others’ need for Christ, I scorn it. “What I will to do, that I do not practice.”
The last year has been a continuous pattern of small “joy breaths” above the surface before I go back to drowning. Or nearly drowning. Or perceiving myself as drowning. Or fighting the perception of drowning. This past week was no pattern-breaker. Mom brought to my attention that this long-term striving might be a divine tool to work compassion and mercy in my soul. Never before has my wilderness seasons affected every area of my life. This time I can truly say I am confident in Christ alone. I am needy in all things. God loves the broken, the contrite, the meek, the poor in spirit, the mourning. Good thing. Lately, Cristi Antholz has been synonymous with all five. Now, how do I take my neediness and my gratitude of God’s love for me in that neediness, and love others with that knowledge?
Your wilderness is working truth, Lord. Truth to my mind. May Your wilderness move it deeper to conform my heart to the merciful, compassionate love of Christ.
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Sanctification Project - Week 1
One of my classes requires me to practice biblical counseling by applying the Bible to one of my own sin issues. A judgmental and critical spirit is my target. The following posts are the weekly journal entries for this "project."
Saturday, September13, 2008
This morning I read Psalm 73. O, how closely the psalmist’s heart mirrors my own! “When my soul was embittered, / when I was pricked in heart, / I was brutish and ignorant; / I was like a beast toward you”. Asaph speaks of the sinfulness of the wicked. Pondering their iniquitous ways also “seemed to me a wearisome task.” But then comes the key: “until I went into the sanctuary of God; / then I discerned their end.” Here lies the beginning of a compassionate, merciful heart towards unbelievers. They are perishing! The Lord God is preparing His arsenal for those who do not repent! And were it not for Christ Jesus, who brought peace between the Lord and me, His enemy, that arsenal would be made ready for me.
So I realize one of the primary root issues of my judgmental, critical spirit is my failure to see the world and the Church as God does. Yet even with the powerful case above, I must admit the compassion is not welling up in my heart. That knowledge remains purely cognitive, not “cardiac.” How does one despise sin as an offensive act toward her God and also mourn the destiny of the sinner? And how does she monitor her judgment of the offensive, striving for an honorable heartset? There is no doubt I have planks. But I do not think that should debilitate me from exhorting my brothers and sisters. So what’s the balance?
Saturday, September13, 2008
This morning I read Psalm 73. O, how closely the psalmist’s heart mirrors my own! “When my soul was embittered, / when I was pricked in heart, / I was brutish and ignorant; / I was like a beast toward you”. Asaph speaks of the sinfulness of the wicked. Pondering their iniquitous ways also “seemed to me a wearisome task.” But then comes the key: “until I went into the sanctuary of God; / then I discerned their end.” Here lies the beginning of a compassionate, merciful heart towards unbelievers. They are perishing! The Lord God is preparing His arsenal for those who do not repent! And were it not for Christ Jesus, who brought peace between the Lord and me, His enemy, that arsenal would be made ready for me.
So I realize one of the primary root issues of my judgmental, critical spirit is my failure to see the world and the Church as God does. Yet even with the powerful case above, I must admit the compassion is not welling up in my heart. That knowledge remains purely cognitive, not “cardiac.” How does one despise sin as an offensive act toward her God and also mourn the destiny of the sinner? And how does she monitor her judgment of the offensive, striving for an honorable heartset? There is no doubt I have planks. But I do not think that should debilitate me from exhorting my brothers and sisters. So what’s the balance?
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