I believe that all of God’s creation and all of history are pointing us towards Himself. A father’s love for his child is a great thing in and of itself, but in even a greater way we see a glimpse of God’s love for His children. The spring flowers can captivate you, but are also a picture of the new life Jesus gives to those who turn to Him.
And so marriage is a wonderful thing in itself, but it is also a picture of the relationship between Jesus (the groom) and His people (the bride). This comparison is made in Ephesians 5:22-33 and Hosea 2:16-20. I have sat and listened to married couples describe the different loves they experience at different times for their spouse and realized it was a beautiful picture of the way we love God. So even though I recognize I am no authority and have little experience in this area, I have attempted to identify three types of loves we have towards our spouse and God: intoxicated, affectionate, and devoted.
Intoxicated love is what the world typically refers to as “falling in love” or what has been called by some an infatuation. The key distinguishing feature of this love is that it sees no wrong in its object. The spouse, or more typically boyfriend/girlfriend, may have the most annoying habit or have character flaws, but the lovers are intoxicated with one another and see beyond any differences or problems.
There is no doubt that this intoxicated love has led to some poor decisions between lovers to get married. Then the intoxication wears off and the drug cannot be easily bought and the problems suddenly appear. However, we should not consider this love to be wrong or something to be avoided because of its dangers. Proverbs 5:18-19 says, “Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth, a lovely deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight; be intoxicated always in her love.” If you need further proof just go read The Song of Solomon.
Nevertheless, intoxicated love should always be led by wisdom. Earlier in the very same chapter of proverbs it says, “My son, be attentive to my wisdom; incline your ear to my understanding…For the lips of a forbidden woman drip honey, and her speech is smoother than oil, but in the end she is bitter as wormwood, sharp as a two-edged sword.” (Proverbs 5:1,3-4)
Affectionate love is different from intoxicated love in that it sees problems and flaws in the spouse, but loves in spite of. However, the primary drive in affectionate love is to love because of. The lovers love because the other is beautiful, charming, funny, passionate, focused, etc. and the lover is gladly willing to overlook the problems. Affectionate love may not be accompanied with the “emotional high” of intoxicated love. But this love goes beyond friends, as there is a romantic aspect to it. Perhaps the best way to visualize affectionate love is what we see when an 80-year old couple hold hands as they walk down the street. Married couples may refer to this as still being “in love.” I think that is a fantastic way to describe and express it, but make no mistake, they are not always experiencing intoxicated love, although affectionate love may arouse intoxicated love from time to time.
Affectionate love is developed between spouses. Affectionate love is not hard, but it does take work. Romance may not just happen, but it must be cultivated. Buying flowers, candle lit dinners, holding hands, and kissing are all ways to cultivate affectionate love. Affectionate love is the love that makes for happy marriages.
I cannot seem to classify the beautiful love that C.S. Lewis described. I originally thought he was describing intoxicated love, but have come to the conclusion that it is also true of affectionate love. He wrote to describe a man in love, “He is full of desire, but the desire may not be sexually toned. If you asked him what he wanted, the true reply would often be, ‘To go on thinking of her.’ He is love’s contemplative.” Intoxicated and affectionate love are preoccupied with the other person.
Devoted love loves because of a commitment and covenant. Devoted love sees the problems in the spouse and has little or no desire to love in spite of, but disciplines oneself to love and be faithful nonetheless. But make no mistake about it, it is no worse of a love or less beautiful of a love. It is God’s declared will that we should remain married, and this will mean loving in some difficult times. When you make a covenant before God to be faithful until death do you part, then you hold to the covenant. (I do recognize the issue of a spouse committing sexual immorality and believe divorce is permissible then, but those issues are beyond the scope of this article.) Devoted love is beautiful because it reveals tried and true love. Devoted love is the love that holds marriages together.
Each of these three loves is just a picture of the love for God we experience.
Intoxicated love is what many people experience when they are born again or saved (when people make an initial decision to follow Jesus Christ and surrender to Him their whole lives). It is also frequently experienced at a retreat or conference. It is an awakening to the person of Jesus in a new way, which leads to an emotional experience that cannot be easily described. Intoxicate love for God is wonderful and should be encouraged, however, if it is not accompanied by the following two loves, it is empty.
Affectionate love is the daily love for God, accompanied by emotions, pleasures, and passion. It may not be as high energy as intoxicated love, but affectionate love derives great pleasure just from knowing God. Serving God with sincere motives rather than merely out of conviction is a distinguishing characteristic of affectionate love.
Affectionate love for God or in serving God is described all over the bible. Psalm 16:11 says, “You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.” Psalm 34:8 says, “Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good!” Deuteronomy 6:5 says, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might.” Romans 12:11 says, “Do not be slothful in zeal, be fervent in spirit, serve the Lord.”
After deciding to call this love “affectionate” I was reminded of the book by Jonathan Edwards, a great theologian in the 1700s, called Religious Affections. In this book he wrote, “That religion which God requires, and will accept, does not consist in weak, dull, and lifeless wishes, raising us but a little above a state of indifference: God, in his word, greatly insists upon it, that we be good in earnest, ‘fervent in spirit,’ and our hearts vigorously engaged in religion.”
A key attribute of intoxicated and affectionate love for God is that they are preoccupied with the object of their love as C.S. Lewis described in the love between people. It is not the benefits from God which excite us, although they are great and worthy of much thought, but it is God Himself which preoccupies us.
Devoted love for God is the love that we show in the dry periods of our walk with the Lord. Or we may be experiencing great trials and may feel abandoned by God. Nevertheless, we are called to persevere and to continue to serve Him. Devoted love wakes up early and spends time in the Word and in prayer even though there doesn’t seem to be any benefit. Devoted love keeps its commitments to serve even when there is no longer any passion or desire. Just as devoted love is beautiful between people, it is not to be despised in your love for God.
Devoted love requires a person to preach to themselves often. Satan’s deceits are all the more tempting when we are not passionate for God. Nevertheless, we must preach the truth to ourselves over and over again that we may not fall. Memorizing Scripture will pay its biggest dividend when we are in this stage; reading the Word daily is at this time most critical.
We ought to strive for the former two loves for God in our walk with Him, but not despise a devoted love for no doubt it will be all that we have at times in our lives. Scripture tells us to worship in spirit and truth (John 4:24). This worship is experienced when we love God with an affectionate or intoxicated love. However, there are times that all we have is to worship in truth, and in those times we worship in truth. If we keep worshipping in truth and pursuing greater passion for the things of the Lord then there is no doubt that affectionate or intoxicated love will return.
What do you do if all you have is devoted love? Donald Whitney wrote, “Meditation on the truth, rightly done, can kindle the emotions of worship.” One method of romancing your spouse is to cut off contact with the world and focus only on one another. Take a weekend or a night and remove all your other commitments and just be with each other and forget all the pressures. How much more this is important to kindle emotions in our walk with the Lord! Shut off the cell phone, get in a dark room with a lamp, open your bible, get on your knees, sing, whatever, but get intimate with God.
Is your walk with God dull and dry? Consider how you have aroused passions with your spouse in the past. The relationship with your spouse is meant to give you a foretaste of what it is to love our great God.
Do you know that God desires intimate relationship with you? Perhaps you have perceived all this “God stuff” as dull religious duty. Perhaps you only perceive God’s commands as rules that ruin all the fun. It is simply not true. God’s commands are meant to protect as a loving husband protects and guards his wife. Furthermore, the God of this universe desires intimacy with you. God created romantic human relationships to communicate in a very vivid way the type of relationship He wants with us.
Give up your weak, petty desires and pursue a much greater desire. Pursue that which pleases beyond what you can now imagine. Pursue God.
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