Yesterday I was discussing good books with my friend, Becca. She recommended For Women Only by Shaunti Feldhahn. I haven't read this book yet; but I've heard great things about it -from men and women alike. One point Becca found particularly interesting was the results of a survey conducted by the author. I don't know the exact conditions or wording, but the gist was that men were given the option of choosing between a life of loneliness and rejection or a life without respect. An overwhelming majority chose the former. Because of conversations with my brother and pastor, the radio program of Southern Baptist Theological Seminary’s president, Dr. Albert Mohler, and other means I can’t specifically remember right now, this information didn’t really come as a surprise to me. Where women need to be nurtured, men need to be respected.
So why is this blog-worthy? If I’m not mistaken, the book targets romantic relationships between men and women. But as I thought about the matter, I decided that men probably aren’t respected like they should be, regardless of the relational context. This topic of biblical manhood and womanhood has been written about, frequently discussed on Dr. Mohler’s program…and there’s even been an organization created for it. (The Council on Biblical Manhood and Womanhood - www.cbmw.org) Obviously, we have some things on which we need to work.
My next thought process was to determine what this means to me. As a single woman, how can I be intentional about showing my brothers in Christ that I respect and love them? Apart from having a cerebral lapse at that moment, I sadly came up with no black and white answers. (And at this point, I haven’t done extensive research, either.) So, brothers, what can we do? As your sisters, how can we love you through our conveyance of respect? I realize your responses may be personal opinions and not general rules for all men; but at least they will give us a point from which to work. It’s not inconceivable to take your personal suggestions and apply them to the brothers with whom we have direct contact, if not yourselves. :)
Maybe I’m being too spontaneous by appealing for your response in this manner. My own dear brother believes matters such as this are best dealt with in “real” relationships, not via the Internet. I whole-heartedly agree with him. However, I also believe there is merit in using technology as one more communication tool. So this endeavor isn’t to replace “real” relationships, merely reinforce them.
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Ephesians 5:33b - . . . Let the wife see that she respects her husband (ESV); 5:25 - Husbands love your wives, as Christ loved the church . . . 5:33a - let each one of you love his wife as himself.
Packed within these commands are a wealth of wisdom. I have reflected on these for many years and couldn't begin in a "comment" to relay all my thoughts. So, let me first say that I believe more and more what this implies - "love" is more important for a woman to experience to feel loved and "respect" is more important for a man to experience to feel loved. A man "loving" and a woman "respecting" resulting in the emotion of "love" in the other tells us that an act of the will in the one (whether the actor feels like it or not) can generate the healthy emotion in the other. But, here's the secret . . . in the emotion of the other, the one acting will experience great blessing in return - in fact, doing those things that bring joy to the other, brings joy to the doer (exactly the same principle that operates in the "it is more blessed to give than to recieve" principle or in Piper's "God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him" - Giving Him glory will get us greatest joy). Furthermore, here's a bedrock foundation on which to restore many broken marriages. If one spouse, by a pure act of the will, to be obedient to God's word, chooses to love/respect the other . . . the other then, finally, has the opportunity to respond, in kind, to the first out of not only an act of the will but motivated by joy. Relationships that have spiraled downward, perhaps for decades, can then begin spiralling upward. AND MEN - step to the plate - it is on our shoulders to act first - not our wives. The "as Christ loved the church" means that you die to yourself. If this means swallowing pride, giving up leisure, abandoning career, losing financial security, etc etc to love as an act of the will a mean, spiteful, insensitive, unlovely (physically or otherwise), disrespectful sinner . . . you do it BECAUSE you MUST be CHRIST to her! If you die, you die. Trust Christ to bring you to glory with great reward.
Let me tell you fellows, God will rarely require you to die to very much except a few minutes to listen, rub feet, clean dishes, change a diaper, listen, run to the store, ask for directions, change to a different shirt (when she asks), listen, . . . did I say listen (and I mean, absorb, feedback, consider and comment on her words). But when you do - Hallelujah, that love you show will wash back over you because she will cover you with RESPECT as to how well you have been sensitive to her own needs and fallenness. I know, this happens to me, regularly . . . and I'm no saint.
Single folks, start figuring this out in your early dating and, especially in your courting relationships. Young men, the days of sports hero, academic achievement, and other self-fulfillment activities where you gained all the respect you could handle are soon ending. Real, soul satisfying respect comes from a godly relationship with one woman whom you've shown you can love with everything you've got - dying to all you originally thought validated who you are. It is what God intended when two become one; when souls are knit together. You've only got one earthly life to live, guys, why not live it soldout to Christ and as Him to the precious creature He brings.
Now - please - all singles who read this who may never be married - I've got a lot to say to you too - this route to love and fulfillment is open to you in your relationships, too. I'll save it for another time.
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